Letterman apology

the passive-agressive act of dramatically apologizing not only for an action which one has committed, but also for things which one has previously committed, has not committed, and would not likely commit, all in an effort to reduce one's culpability for the central action in question. This is similar to a strategy employed by jewish grandmothers, where one apologizes for all things that have ever happened, whether good or bad.

Example of a "Letterman apology":

Dave: ... so my apologies to subjecting them to that vulnerability and being brow-beaten and humiliated, it never occured to me, and as a matter of fact Alan Coulter kept wanting to know if we'd had sex, do you remember that Alan?

Alan: I did and I don't remember.

Dave: So I'll just say I'm terribly sorry ... And now, also because what can it hurt, once again I'd like to apologize to the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin...

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College essays

(noun, pl.) A completely masturbatory work of high school fiction, used by college admissions officials as psyops tests in order to evaluate your personality. These, on college applications, are better left blank, so long as your GPA, SAT, and other tests are in your advantage. Otherwise, sarcastic embellishment is usually required, in the form of a Hail Mary Pass.

Tom: So, how did you do on your college applications?
Michael: Great! I got accepted at all four of my picks, plus the University of Miami, and I didn't even apply there!
Tom: Wow! What did you write for your College essays? I couldn't think of anything but massive bullshit.
Michael: Oh, that's okay. They prolly didn't even read yours. I left all of mine blank, and they didn't care.
Tom: Well, you were a great student.
Michael: It's okay for you though, you just need to choose a less exclusive major.

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dudevorce

(n.) the action or instance of the separation, annulment, or legal dissolution of a marriage between two men.

Now that Iowa has legalized same-sex marriage, I'll bet Jack and Ennis get a dudevorce before the year is out.

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eleemosynary

(El`ee*mos"y*na*ry\) (?; 277), a. (LL. eleemosynarius, fr. eleemosyna alms, Gr. ? alms. See Alms.)

1. Relating to charity, alms, or almsgiving; intended for the distribution of charity; as, an eleemosynary corporation.

2. Given in charity or alms; having the nature of alms; as, eleemosynary assistance. "Eleemosynary cures." --Boyle.

3. Supported by charity; as, eleemosynary poor.

Eleemosynary (El`ee*mos"y*na*ry\), n.; pl. Eleemosynaries. One who subsists on charity; a dependent. --South.

No unabridged dictionary is complete without the definition of Eleemosynary, but it's really rare to have the opportunity to use the word in Scrabble. My friend who lived with me rent-free for a year and ate all my food was a total eleemosynary. The Southern Arizona AIDS Foundation will be holding an eleemosynary event to benefit those HIV+ and their relatives.

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Faygo

(1) n. a poseur, akin to someone who attends Rocky Horror Picture Show presentations for the rice. A Faygo is not there for anything else but the experience.
(2) n. the brand name of a soft drink sold in Detriot, Michigan and surrounding areas.

Bruce: You got your tickets?
Esham: Yeah, there ain't no way I'm standin' in line behind all 'dem Faygos.

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redanticism

(n.) the act or the practice of being falsely instructional, so as to purvey a modicum of fealty to those who obey and/or believe in the bullshit.

"Hey, when Trump said 'Build the Wall', it made me want to reverse rape one of those Mexicans! That is how deep my redanticism goes!"

lesget

(n.) the action or instance of the separation, annulment, or legal dissolution of a marriage between two women.

Del and Phyllis make a tremendous couple. I think they'll be together until one of them dies. They will so never get a lesget.