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yet another meaningless rewards card that is forced upon unsuspecting hallmark customers when they attempt to purchase anything at a hallmark store.
clerk: "find everything you were looking for?"
customer: "yes, thank you."
clerk: "do you have your crown rewards card?"
customer: "no, i-"
clerk: "you need one. for real. fill this out. it'll change your life."
customer: "but i-"
clerk: "DO IT NOW!!"
customer: *obeys*
4π 3π
a credit-card sized piece of plastic that is inherently worthless. almost all companies in existence have these rewards cards. they are designed to build customer loyalty, but actually only build customer frustration.
employee: "do you have your rewards card?"
customer: "i don't have a rewards card."
employee: "let's get you signed up!"
customer: "what will it get me?"
employee: "it's a great program."
customer: "but what will it get me?"
employee: "um... it's a great program..."
customer: "i know, you said that. what will the rewards card get me?"
employee: "nothing, really, but my boss makes me ask..."
customer: "..."
12π 1π
A conglomerate constructed entirely of cardstock, glitter, and Keepsake ornaments. Hallmark's main goal is to perpetuate Christmas year-round, so it's four quarters are labeled as follows: Almost Christmas, Christmas, Still Christmas, and Valentine's Day. Among it's many schemes for holiday perpetuation are things such as: three (3) separate keepsake ornament events (the first of which occurs in July), constant, nagging reminders to customers to begin stocking up on cards for Christmas (beginning sometime around August), and the unnecessarily long "post-holiday sale" that runs right up to the beginning of Valentine's Day.
Since Christmas provides such a large part of Hallmark's revenue, it feels the need to begin releasing it's prized Keepsake Ornaments in early July, just as most people are finally beginning to put the horror of the previous holiday behind them. Thus, "Almost Christmas" begins, moving smoothly into "Christmas" sometime around mid-October. "Still Christmas" begins directly after New Years and runs until February 14th and often beyond, so "Still Christmas" and "Valentine's Day" often overlap.
Valentine's Day, which is the lesser of Hallmark's insidiously overdone holidays, fills in the gap between Still Christmas and Almost Christmas nicely while still managing to fill the duel purpose of guilting men into showering the objects of their affections with glittery cards, fluffy teddy bears, and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate.
Woman One: "I'm headed to Hallmark to get some birthday cards. Do you want to come?"
Woman Two: "Nah, I'm not in the mood for Christmas stuff right now."
Woman One: "It's July, I think you're safe."
Woman Two: "Well... alright..."
Sales Associate: *as they walk into the store* "Welcome to Ornament Premiere! All of our new Christmas Keepsake Ornaments have just come out for the year!"
Woman Two: *faints*
62π 10π
A brilliant parody of the 90Γ’ΒΒs anime Sailor Moon, in which the SMA crew (megami33, krisrix, roll002, maxskate2001, whipofalchemy, and judgement915) uses their own brand of humor to tell the story of Sailor Moon with only minor changes to the storyline. Some fan favorites include: bulimic Serena/Sailor Moon, EMO Raye/Sailor Mars, incoherent Amy/Sailor Mercury, transsexual Lita/Sailor Jupiter, and ZoyciteΓ’ΒΒ¦ the gender-confused alien.
The SMA crew has gained in popularity as they continue to put out more episodes, and they have even begun releasing merchandise for rabid fans. From bored college students to amazingly hilarious voice actors, the SMA crew has earned their place in YouTube history.
Bored college student 1: "I'm gonna watch Sailor Moon!"
Bored college student 2: "Fuck that, I'm gonna watch Sailor Moon Abridged!"
Bored college student 1: "What's that?"
Bored college student 2: "That same thing you're watching... only better!"
69π 11π
Small plastic trinkets, generally made in China, that are sold nearly year-round in Hallmark stores across America. These items are almost completely worthless, though many insist that they are extremely collectible. Though generally cheaply made, these ornaments have the power to cast a spell over those who buy them, often resulting in customers spending well over $600 to own each and every one (and then ending up storing them in an attic because NO ONE has enough room to hang them all). To perpetuate this madness, Hallmark executives formed a Keepsake Ornament Collector's Club, which has a surprisingly large number of members. For the low, low price of $25, members can choose two inherently ugly "club exclusive" ornaments and receive their very own paper membership cards. Then they have the option of buying other "club exclusive" ornaments that are sure to have great value to other rabid collectors in the future. Of course, what the executives do not want the public to know is that any "club exclusive" ornaments not sold by Christmas will be available to the general public.
Keepsake Ornaments are released every year in early July (at a sickening event known as "Ornament Premiere"), and remain up until well after Christmas. Hardcore collectors can start ordering them in early June, when the ornament catalogue (inappropriately titled the "Dreambook") becomes available in Hallmark stores. Sane people, of course, have learned to avoid the ornament premiere, thus sparing themselves from seeing the disturbing sight of a poor college student sweating in a Christmas sweater and passing out Christmas cookies when everyone else in the store is walking around in shorts and tank tops.
Customer one: "I've been waiting for the Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments to come out all year!"
Customer two: "Oh yeah? Which ones did you get?"
Customer one: "ALL OF THEM!!"
Customer two: "All of them?! How much did that cost you?!"
Customer one: "Only, like, $800. That's WAY less than last year!"
Customer two: *passes out*
10π 20π