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The New Joysee government is known for being incredibly corrupt. This has been a trend ever since Satan was elected as governor of the state in 1917 when he claimed that his opponent, Jesus, had once been issued the death penalty due to a recorded criminal record.
Today, the members of the New Joysee State Senate eat at least 5 children a day, and the Govenor generally eats at least 7, though one day he once ate 24 in one sitting, fulfilling a dare in a childish attempt to impress his wife.
"In all honesty, the government is run by the Mafia," reported an actual Jersey resident quote. Unfortunately the resident and the reporter went "missing" shortly thereafter.
New Joysee was the 41st state in the United States of America. The state slogan was "The Armpit of America!", now "The Fabulous Armpit State!". As of 10/01/07 the capitol is New Joysee City.
Created when the Old Joysee was cast beneath the sea by the god Poseidon, the City-State of New Joysee is a scientifically formulated mixture of cow cheese, old fashioned blue-collar values, and fungally festooned ferret felt, best enjoyed while enjoying romance under a full moon listening to muskrat love. In some mythologies, New Joysee is the land of Paradise, the Garden of Alden, even. However, such stories are generally believed only by hopelessly psychotic homeless people who wander the streets of Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
Note: Only fucking New Yorkers say New Joysee. New Jersey is a lot cleaner than other states because all of our trash is in Atlantic City, Trenton, Newark, Jersey City, and Camden where the gates of hell are located. In order to live in New Jersey One must be one of the folowing: Italian, Sicilian, Jewish, Irish, German, or Catholic, and Indians may live in central Jersey only. If you meet none of these standards, then you are to be wacked. Another little-known fact is that all people from New Jersey know where Jimmy Hoffa is, who killed Kennedy, where to get a good meal at three in the morning, and where to get drugs. New Jersey is divided into the north and the south. The North is the land of polution and crime and the south is farms, trees, the shore, and a dumping spot for bodies. All people in New Jersey live in fear of three things: the mafia, the Jersey Devil, and car insurance. All New Jersey residents would also like to close down Olive Garden because they cannot make gravy for crap. South Jersey people also know how Mexicans fit twenty people into the front cab of a truck, because they have done it with them. New Jersey residents also have been to every business shown on the Sopranos. The only way New Jersey residents are able to survive the taxes is through their Mafia connections, placing a tax burden on the medagons who should get the fuck out of New Jersey. Another little- known fact is that in Vineland (pronounced vine-lin) black people are some of the best members of the "clan". In order to become a resident of any shore town you need to "qatch the tram car, please". It is important also to mispronounce certain words, such as "woulder", the biggest debate in history. In "SJ" the Avenue is what it is all about. You also are required to live withen one half-hour of a mall, within 2 minutes of a Wawa, and within 500 yards of 20 Dunkin' Donuts locations.
According to Weird Al Yankovic, New Joysee sucks.
As of 1991, performing a left turn in an automobile at any given moment in New Joysee is prohibited, punishable by eighteen consecutive life sentences, being sent back in time 2 weeks by way of the Turnpike, and a make-over involving really, really big hair. The cars in New Joysee protested this law, and Christine Whitman, the local demon, jacked up car insurance rates in revenge. This is why auto insurance in New Joysee is so high.
Amongst the things to do in New Joysee:
Engage in self-loathing and general misanthropy
Sit in traffic
Curse your fellow man
Curse your government
Curse yourself
Suicide
Go to to see some shitty emo band
Pay tolls
Make a left turn using a jug-handle
Say the eighteen consecutive life sentences out loud and thus be freed (along with two Hail Marys and a Rama Ding Ding)
Circles in the road... that magically turn into triangles... which amazingly are harder to navigate than the circle.
New Joysee has a rich culture in the arts, including but not limited to strip clubs inhabited by middle aged strippers and men in trucker hats, and has been the birthplace of such hit motion picture masterpieces such as "Jersey Girl" and "Gigli".
Places in New Joysee include
Joysee City
Quahog
Los Chiyorkphigo
Geritolopolis, New Joysee
Metropolis
Leonardo
The Sunken Ruins of Old Joysee
South Jersey (not related)
The New Joysee Turnpike... a.k.a. "The Road from HELL!"
Edison, New Joysee
Moonachie, New Joysee
Your Mom
Newark, New Joysee
Kansas, New Joysee
Montvale, New Joysee
North Caldwell, which gets into endless sissy fights with the town of Your Mom.
The College of New Joysee
The Gates of Hell
Nick Sereda's house (The palace of dead cats).
New Joysee lost all of its sports teams to the non-existent New York. Thusly, the only sports team you will find in New Joysee is the New Joysee Turnpikers.
The New Joysee Turnpikers play right in the middle of exit 159 and 159b, right where that awful stench keeps happ'nin.
New Joysee is home to several species of tree.
New Joysee is also home to many musicians and people who pretend to be musicians, such as Bruce Springsteen, who despite all his riches still writes songs, and the tireless pedophile rights group and advocate for man-boy love and large hair, Bon Jovi. Les Claypool isn't from NJ but my mom thinks he is.
Bruce Willis, long rumored to possibly be some kind of actor, also hails from Hoboken, New Jersey, known for his roles in countless motion pictures where he expertly and tirelessly plays the same anti-hero bad-ass character over and over again and refuses to shave more than once a week.
The wild Indians of New Joysee populate many of the native conveniance stores and low-budget condos of joysee suberbs.
Um, don't forget Meryl Streep.
Other people include:
Amy Seymour
Gerard Way,the well known Mikey Jackson impersonater.
The following list of people have embarrassed the state of New Joysee beyond repair. The are no longer allowed to cross the border and come home for any reason.
Martha Stewart
Frank Sinatra
James McGreevy
Bruce Bedspring
Joe Piscopo
Kevin Spacey
Jack Nicholson
Dionne Warwick
Jerry Lewis
Whitney Houston
Judy Blume
The Menendez Brothers
Taking Back Sunday
Nathan Lane
(Okay, I'm kidding about the Menendez Brothers.)
Roads in New Joysee
Route 206, also known as the road that is always backed up is a popular favorite. Come and sit in traffic and marvel at how congested the road is!
Route 80, the road that goes all the way to California. Always backed up in the direction you are going in only. The other side is magically free of traffic.
Route 287 is another popular road. However, this road goes nowhere and does little of interest, so ignore it, please. Route 95 is a road that defies all logic in New Joysee. Notice the mile numbers. Notice how they randomly go up and down. Notice how if you are on I-95 North, somehow you end up on I-295 south and if you are on I-95 South you end up on I-295 North? If it isn't clear by now, I-95 in New Joysee was planned out by Hitler. Also in on the Route 295 Conspiracy is Route 130, which randomly joins with Route 295 in the southern area to try to have a four-way orgy with Route 40 and the New Joysee Turnpike at the Delaware Memorial Bridge.
Route 23 goes into New York. Literally, the only highway with nothing on it. Let's just avoid route 23.
Route 22 must be seen to be believed. It is actually a drive-thru megamall and boasts the highest daily accident rate of any road in the country. Also, a good road on which to hotbox while driving to Melody, Pennsylvania to buy relatively cheap cartons of cigarettes... or in the either direction towards... Route 1-9 and the ensuing Pulaski skyway, the central vein of the armpit, deep within the 'Joisey Smell' zone proper. This will bring you quickly within sight of the signs for the Holland Tunnel, where you will sit in traffic for exactly long enough to miss whatever it was for which you wanted to enter New York/escape Joisey. It's generally a good idea to bring along some food, water, and a container suitable for the deposit and storage of bodily waste, when one is daring enough to try this route.
Route 666 goes through the Pinebarrens. An area which if lost you could go for days without encountering a single sign of human life, drive past the gates of hell, and be killed by the Jersey Devil.
Route 40 is known for constantly being in construction when it never really needed it in the first place. Why they felt the need to make it wider will forever be a mystery. The constant construction is attributed to the workers ripping up the roads and then being wacked before they are able to complete the job.
"Wait a tick. They have a NEW Jersey now?"
"Joysee girls ain't trash... trash gets picked up!"
"A really lovely state, very convenient, to the south of Hell."
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ok noo sorry new jersey is fucking awsome has the best weed ever, best shows, hottest guys, nicest asses, all the gangsta ppl, rock ppl, beaches, mountains, city, country, rivers, money$$$ go out on a jersey night your garanteed to meet new ppl even if u just go tot eh same old mall next to ur house oh and another thing theres a mall at least every 10 minutes.we have the richest ppl, and the top murder city, we can also see new york from many places in nj..we have the nj devils which rock..also my chemical romance..www.weirdnj.com<---check that out its awsome i've been to a couple of those places and more not there..and why the fuck do ppl keep on talkingaboutit smelling i've been to california, ohio, florida, new york, pa, south carolina, north carolina, indiana, kentucky, connecticut,NJ is the best and it has snow and hot ass summer days..a typical end of summer night..bonfire, marshmellows, a few bowls, ..also we have the best fucking WOODS PARTIESS oh and new jersey smells like plain old fresh tree..not fucking i dont even kno wut u guys think it smells liek but it doesnt
We're from New Jersey- We keep it real.
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The absolute worst excuse for a state. Less formally known as the armpit of America. A place where the people are so ignorant that only they can be proud to claim they are from New Jersey. The state has a strong and offensive odor to it, much like that of an overfilled garbage dump. It is cholk-full of guidos who bathe in tanning spray and axe and regurlarly spike their hair up with a ridiculous amount of gel. Also, it is illegal to pump your own gas there, a very smart law for the local government to pass because the danger of letting a New Jersey citizen handle a gas pump would be enormous due to their low I.Q. People from this area often visit New York City where they are despised by the majority of New Yorkers. There are more garbage dumps in New Jersey per square mile than any other state in the nation and it is still not enough to contain all the trash that can be viewed piled up on the side of the countless number of congested and polluted highways.
Ben: Did we just drive through hell?
Colby: No much worse, New Jersey.
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why do people think our state is so bad. have u even been to nj?
when people from like california think of us they think:
we say joisey
we're all italian
our state is a dump
what we're really like:
we say jurzee, not joisey. who the fuck came up w/ joisey?
we're not all italian, im not italian, im german and irish. and other fucking european countries
our state isnt a dump! only the borders are and near NYC
we can get our gas pumped for us, so wen its -2 degrees out, sucks for you!
oh ya the bes band is from here: bon jovi!
Fucked Up Person from like ND: eww u guys are dirty and who says joisey?
Awesome Person from New Jersey: 1. we're not dirty,at least we have a city and 2. i dont kno anyone from JERSEY who says joisey
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A damn good state that could kick your state's butt.
There are lots of reasons why New Jersey rocks.
We have some of the best colleges in the country (Princeton, Rutgers).
We have lots of sports teams, like the Nets, Jets, Giants, Devils, and we always follow New York teams too.
We've got a great outlook on life, even if we do live in one of the most corrupt states in the country, and we're never afraid
to have fun.
We have the best music scene outside of England, hands freaking down. My Chemical Romance, Bruce Springsteen, Fountains of Wayne.... seriously, the list doesn't end.
We have the best food in the country. We have the most diners out of any state. We know that hot dogs should always be deep fried until the casing gets ripped (only people from North Jersey know what I'm talking about). We've got the best pizza anywhere, even better than you, Chicago. And look no further than Jersey for the best damn Italian food you've ever had.
One more thing: Us Jersey girls make the best girlfriends.
I could go on for more, but I won't. Jersey rules. Eat it.
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Excluding Atlantic City and parts of the Jersey shore, a state that is no where near as good as both downstate and upstate New York. Despite the stereotypes, New York is much more real, less materialistic, and has more interesting towns and places to hang out.
Johnny grew up in Bergen County, New Jersey but went to school in New Paltz, he always says how much nicer New York is and eventually wants to move there.
Mary: Hey want to check out the newest bags from coach and sunglasses from Chanel at the Garden State Plaza? Then we can go to the diner
Jess: Why go to the Garden State Plaza when you can go skiing in the Adirondacks, sightseeing at Niagara Falls, and go party in the Hamptons?
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I was born and have lived in this state all my life and love it. Yes if you're a true new jerseyian, you are conceited. Deal with it outsiders. New Jersey IS the best GOD DAMN STATE and I'll tell you why. Most of the successful people come from the state. Most of the smart people come from this state too. AND NO, I'M NOT AN IGNORANT NEW JERSEY GIRL. Yes we do have our skanks. BUT SO DOES CALIFORNIA, NEVADA, GEORGIA AND FLORIDA; The list goes on so if that's ignorant, fuck you, you damn fool. Most people of other states are jealous because we dress better (and match), we're fucking hot as shit, and a majority of new jerseyians are rich and spoiled. Discrimination happens...rarely. You have ghetto whites and blacks. You have a shit load of rich blacks...i for one am one and i like it. Many blacks are smart here. You'll find a whole bunch of blacks in AP courses. Everyone here owns atleast one pair of uggs, converse, nike, coach, juicy or any other name brand. So dont say people are poor because even people in newark have better cars than half of the people in other states. Yeah if your a southerner, then sit down because people in newark even have bigger houses than you and theyre suppose to be the poor town.
Now most people get cars for christmas or birthdays. They range from Lexus to jeep to Range rover. we like the most expensive ones.
When we go to the jersey shore, we say DTS (down the shore) learn it, live it, love it.
We smell? Yah, .000000000001% of the state.
We have a reason to be conceited. What, we cant be confident? all the other states need a Self esteem boost. People are mad because they can't be as hot as us and can't get a new jerseyian. oh, and Btw, we dont pump our gas, we pump our fists because we're just that fucking great.
In conclusion, New Jersey is the best fucking state.
GET AT US
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