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the habit of continually asking questions upon receiving the answer to the previous question...
Kid: "Mommy, when will i die?"
Mother: "When you're older."
Kid: " Did you use philosophy to come to that answer?"
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1. Philosophy in a good way: The process of seeking a better, happier lifestyle by giving deep thought into personal actions, habits and morals. Good philosophy is often understood to be to the benefit of society as well as to oneself. Religions often try to achieve this as well, at least on the surface.
2. Philosophy in a not-so-good way: The process of taking a set of personal beliefs and opinions and pressing them upon others without regard for the benefit of anyone other than oneself. Some would also say bad philosophy is the act of taking on a selfish lifestyle and making the excuse that this is the best way to live.
1. See Jesus, Buddha, etc. (Whether or not you're religious, they're both really nice guys.)
2. See Hitler, Stalin, Zedong, etc.
2a. A personal note to Ayn Rand: Rejecting altruism in philosophy is a little harsh. Try improving the life of someone who really does need it, then tell me that it's not going to make you feel any better.
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Analagous to stroking one's penis, but done through the activity of thinking. Philosophy comes from the two root words phil, meaning "love", and sophy, meaning "to stroke ones penis incessantly and abstractly while maintaining a pretentious air about you". Combined, we can deduce that this means "to love one's own penis incessantly arrogantly and abstractly." Philosophy is broken down into many disciplines. Some to be considered are: epistemology, metaphysics and ontology.
Epistemology simply asks the question, "how do i know i am a fucking pretentious moron?" Over the centuries, many a party-goer has asked this question to philosophers only to be answered with high noses and comments about how wonderful the wine and cheese is, when you actually know it was 2 buck chuck and a cracker-barrel.
Next comes metaphysics. Metaphysics is what idiots at parties talk about when they are trying to prove they are better than you. Often times this involves theories of Truth, (with a capital T) and theories about why some philosophy dude will never go to home with that hot girl because he shows up to a party with a Nietzsche book in his pocket like its something she should be impressed by.
Ontology is the theory being. It simply asks the question, "Am i a pretentious moron?" Most philosophers cannot answer this question because they are so full of themselves, they cannot see past their own dissertations that try to explain a chair or a desk or any other inanimate object in the room.
While philosophy majors can most generally be categorized as annoying and useless, we can deduce from this simple syllogism the following:
1. All philosophy majors are pretentious assholes.
2. Pretentious assholes will do you favors if you stroke their egos
3. if you stroke a pretentious asshole's ego, you can get him to do anything
4. you can get a philosophy major to do anything if you stroke his ego a little bit.
So they arent completely useless. For example, you can get a philosophy kid to get you a beer when you need one at a party if you tell him you are interested in his theory (which by the way is never his particular theory) but just him reciting some bullshit he read. Nonetheless, if you just appease his need to assert intellectual dominance in a social atmosphere, you have a masturbating helper monkey as your new friend.
"Yo, philosophy geek! Get me a beer dude!"
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The art of self-confusion.
Reductionism, nihilism, and existentialism are nuclear-options in philosophical discussions that exist barely beneath the surface in any contemplation of deeper issues, and they can be released upon a subject at any time and render it meaningless. Therefore, discussion of philosophy itself carries with it an inherent ridiculousness and pointlessness, as well as constant potential for pseudointellectual overanalysis (such as this).
Philosophy? Meh. That's the only course you'll finish knowing LESS than when you started.
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A bizarre form of mental aerobic exercise in which one strives towards the essentially divine goal of completely forcing oneself up ones own sphincter using only the power of the mind.
Recently a philosophy grad student from Stamford actually managed to bury all of his head, one arm (to the elbow) and a bit of his other shoulder up his own anus. This unusual incident occured when he was teaching Existentialism to young folk and was designed to demonstrate that a)existence is only perception and b)he had a big anus. Unfortunately he choked before he had managed to extricate himself and thus kinda proved himself wrong on both counts.
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Pathological recursiveness of first principles.
We're going to hold an intervention for Larry. He started heavily practicing Philosophy just last year and already he's lost his job, house, girlfriend, and car. He's dropped about 75 pounds and hasn't showered in months. Just last night he kept me up until 3 AM, arguing that the word "is" is superfluous semantic contrivance that utterly fails to address a given subject's truest ontological state.
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The study of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
As opposed to science (which was once called 'natural philosophy'), philosophy is the study of questions that cannot be answered with physical proof, such as the existence of God, or the meaning of life.
Philosophers include Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Seneca, Montaigne, Schopenhauer, Nietzche...
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