Couldn't get a handy in a whorehouse

Someone with very poor closing skills, or a person who is incapable of performing even simple tasks. This term originates in Colorado for someone who goes to a brothel and is unable to negotiate even a simple sex act, such as manual stimulation.

How do you expect to sell twenty insurance policies when you couldn't get a handy in a whorehouse?

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I couldn't help but stare

When someone is too fine so you do nothing but stare at them.

When I saw Jose with no shirt on I couldn't help but stare because he looked so fine, his abs were all out and everything

sorry, we couldn't find...

That's what you see when the thing you was searching for, does not exist in this world. Just like Anime

when you type: qwcdpqbijfbalejfbaijfbñawjkqwi
sorry, we couldn't find... That.

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she couldn't tame a unicorn

Unicorns are most widely thought to be simply horses with horns, but a quick Wikipedia search will inform you that the mythology also states that unicorns can only be tamed by female virgins. Hence, if you say "she couldn't tame a unicorn," you're saying that she's not a virgin.

Guy 1: What do you think of that girl over there?
Guy 2: Her? She couldn't tame a unicorn, no chance in hell.

Guy 1: I concur. I bet she's never even been within a thousand miles of a unicorn.
Guy 2: She alone is the reason why unicorns don't exist in this world; they couldn't possibly occupy any place that is far enough from her without spoiling their innocence and purity
Guy 1: Hmm ... so that's why unicorns don't exist ... interesting theory.

You couldn't sell this to the Greeks

An idiom used in reference to a particular undesired object in a circumstance.

This lag is abhorrent. You couldn't sell this to the Greeks!

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couldn't-give-a-fuck book

A ficticious item that can be used in sarcastic replies to people who tell you something that you really couldn't give two shits about. Especially useful for people who work in customer-facing roles eg. bouncers, security guards etc.

Guy: I really need to get in that club!
Bouncer: You're not coming in.
Guy: But my friends are in there with my ID...
Bouncer: Ah ok, well let me just write that down in my couldn't-give-a-fuck book...

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you couldn't penetrate the zoom

spoken by the beautiful outstanding Sydney Jones herself

me: laughing*
sydney: you couldn't penetrate the zoom