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A hilltop town in Dorset. Home to an abbey, Gold Hill, Tesco, and Shaftesbury School, and not much else except woods, fields, cows, rather nice country people and retired war veterans.
The people of Shaftesbury can take pride whilst gazing from their hill at the neighbouring towns such as Gillingham and Sturminster Newton. By doing this they are reminded of their superiority from the fact that they don't live in an imbred squalour dominated by chavs.
Recently however, the chav, have been advancing on the hill of Shaftesbury. The recent influx is thought to be from Gillingham of which the vermin seek the nearest Tesco Supermarket.
Precautionary measures have not yet been taken by the town council - also known as the 'Chimpanzee Committee' due to the large presence of Chimpanzees imported illegally from Gillingham School on the board of councilors.
'Shaftesbury is the city of a dream' - Thomas Hardy
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Some place in dorset populated by teenagers unaware of their sexuality and parents ashamed of their children.
Shaftesbury also sounds funny.
Ben: I live in Shaftesbury!
People *not* from a village: Go back to your village, village-tard!
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Once ruled and founded by Witchfinder General Lord Boof in 1609; Shasten school is situated on an isolated hilltop (known to locals as Shasten). Much like Azkaban, Shasten School is a high security institution for the most enchantingly gifted pupils from the godforsaken province of North Dorsetshire. Every year the institution sends several students to the poverty stricken nation of Rwanda where they can take advantage of the dire misfortune of others in order to gain something sycophantically cringeworthy to put on their personal statements and CV's alike. Shaftesbury school students can be differentiated from Sturminster Newton and Gillingham students by a distinct lack of webbed feet.
Notable alumni include; Paddington Bear, Tony Bear, and much loved Shakesperian villain Iago.
PUPIL 1: Is it your first day here?
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PUPIL 2: Yes?
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PUPIL 1: Boarder or local?
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PUPIL 2: Local.
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PUPIL 1: Well Frightfully sorry sir, it makes no difference - welcome to the mad house!
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ANONYMOUS STUDENT: What school do you go to?
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SHASTEN PUPIL: Shaftesbury School.
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ANONYMOUS STUDENT: Could be much worse, could be Gillingham!
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SHASTEN LOCAL 1: Those Shasten school students are a most peculiar bunch.
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SHASTEN LOCAL 2: Yes... Quite!
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Absolute fucking aids. Ruled by mr farrer and mr I hillier and all the other cunts. Trust me you do not wanna go to that shithole of a school. It consists of wetties,smokers, and in general neeks. Poor smokers aren’t allowed up “smokers alley” anymore because some old lady keeps complaining about “fag buts”. Probably even shitter then gillingham school. If u go there u will get put on shitty report for no reason at all. But let’s get an F in the chat for all the smokers at the school.
Shaftesbury school is a shithole
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Shaftesbury School Sixth Form is the highest possible echelon of the school situated on an isolated hilltop somewhere in deepest darkest Dorset. It was founded in 1086 by a garden gnome named Hyke Mayez. He established Shaftesbury School Sixth Form on a rigorous principle of binge drinking, and survived for a millennium, eating nothing but the remains of rodents found in E-block and drinking Scotch Whisky.
When Hyke Mayez discovered Rwanda on Wikipedia, he attempted to colonise it. He flew over allegedly on the back of a silver stalk, and proclaimed himself to be the 'bearded God who delivers onself on silver bird'. His mission was a failure, but he would continue to embark on such endeavours 'till the end of his reign. His proponents admire him for providing a week in Africa, and hence, something to write on a personal statement and an opportunity to look good doing charity work, whilst doing nothing. (But shedding fake tears and depleting the local water supply.) His detractors criticise him for the somewhat misplaced sense of morality on his so called 'mission to Rwanda' - Seeming as the money it costs to organise the trip, would be far more beneficial to the people of Rwanda than the presence of teenagers from the Sixth Form.
In Recent years Hyke Mayez, was challenged to a duel by a local baker, of which he lost. On victory, the baker acquired the position of Head of Sixth Form, and all the paperwork Mayez didn't complete during his reign.
Person 1: I went to Shaftesbury School Sixth Form.
Person 2: What's that?
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