Tri-bag

(noun): contraction of two entities: “Triathlon” and “douche-bag”. A tri-bag is a human being, male or female, who defines their existence based on the next triathlon or training for a triathlon they will undertake. Tri-bags typically struggle maintaining relationships with other human beings unless they are tri-baggers as well. Hence tri-bags tend to hang out together and compare notes on their “strokes”, “breathing”, and which model of Subaru they will purchase next. Tri-bags are usually fairly easy to spot and identify. Sometimes they are confused with “cross-bags”, their cross-fit counterparts.

Some signs of a tri-bag:

1) Within the first 3 sentences of a conversation they mention that they have or will participate in a triathlon.
2) Ironman logo is prominently tattooed on their one of their calves (it doesn't have to be on the calf but this seems to be the preferred location – look here first)
3) They drive a Subaru (this is probably a 20% chance of being a tri-bag)
4) They drive a Subaru with a “26.2” sticker in the rear window (~74% chance now)
5) They drive a Subaru with a bike racks and a “70.3” or a “140.6” (99% chance – only reason this is not 100% chance is that the person driving the car could be the disgruntled spouse or emotionally neglected teenage child using vehicle).
6) They drive any other vehicle with “70.3” or a “140.6” (>90% chance)

7) Their bicycle cost more than the GDP of Ireland.

I went to John’s party last night. I couldn’t find a place to park; Subarus were ubiquitous in the surrounding area. Once I got inside, it was full of tri-bags taking baby-sips of craft beer and comparing “strokes.”

or
I really wanted to take up swimming but I could got too annoyed with all the tri-bags at the pool so I became a cross-bag instead.