karmacinoma

A cancer of the soul caused by a douchebag insane enough to spread bullshit news of illness and death about their loves ones; in order to pathetically evoke the sympathy of others.

Hey man, did you hear Jenkins has Karmacinoma, his dead sister came back to life.

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Karmacinoma

A case of cancer bestowed upon a person, by the universe, in retribution for being an asshole. The severity, prognosis, and degree of suffering endured by the deserving victim are in direct proportion to the scale and egregiousness of the victim's history of being an asshole. The majority of cases are not terminal, suggesting that universe intends these cases to be painful and expensive wake-up calls for the affected assholes. In terminal cases of Karmacinoma, it appears that the universe is unleashing its oncogenic wrath as a means of purging the most flagrant assholes from society.

Upon contracting Karmacinoma, no acts of contrition, apologies, or promises to modify behavior have been shown to mitigate the severity or duration of the disease. In cases where the victim survives the illness, such acts and sustained follow-though on them have been shown to extend remission, often indefinitely. Recurrent cases of Karmacinoma carry a 100% terminal prognosis, a clear indication that the universe does not appreciate disregard of a clear and intended wake-up call.

Research has concluded that there is some minimum threshold of being an asshole that must be exceeded before the universe metes out its malignant vengeance on a target victim, suggesting that the universe tolerates some level of asshole behavior. This finding is supported by the empirical observation that every single person is an asshole occasionally, yet not everyone has cancer.

Halpert: Hey, Pam, I just heard that Michael Scott was diagnosed with cancer.
Beesly: Yea, it's bad, Jim. They're saying it's terminal.
Halpert: Any word on what kind of cancer?
Beesly: Stage 4 Karmacinoma.
Halpert: It figures. That guy was such a major asshole.