PrOVIDer

A unique variation of the widely known and wildly selfish and batshit crazy female gorilla, also known as the ‘Karen,’ who are known for their characterisations as toilet paper hoarders, or anti-maskers, who pour their blood, sweat, tears, and whatever remnants of their dignity into the advancement of COVID-19, for the hope they envision that they put more people six feet under than six feet away.

NEWS: “Scientists have confirmed the existence of a new human species, separated from the Homo Sapiens, known as the PrOVIDer. From the current information we have, scientists hypothesis that they are a distant chain of humans broken off from the Homo Sapiens sixty thousand years ago. And we also have warning that they are dangerous, so should you approach them, prepare to convert to theism—if you have not—because you will spend the next ten days of your life praying that you never met them. Don’t forget the therapy fees.”

The Singaporean Spirit

A collection of all the common Singaporean attitudes, such as being kiasu, being very inquisitive, being humorous, being multilingual, and being able to speak singlish.

“Walao eh! Virus only, everyone just raided the supermarkets!”
“That’s called having the Singaporean Spirit!”

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The ‘cher with the fake coffee cup

That teacher who always walks around with a coffee cup-like water bottle in her hand even during lesson time.

“What’s the name of our Literature teacher?”
“The ‘cher with the fake coffee cup!”

NoxtianTown

A vibrant, flourishing town full of life, flowers, sunlight, and happiness! Simply put, your go-to place when you are feeling down and you just can't keep with life. Everyone in NoxtianTown are kind, beautiful, smiling, joyous, and intelligent people, who can speak a wide array of languages and understand and eloquently voice out their opinions on a kaleidoscope of matters!

The only catch? It's not real! You should've realised when I said, "Everyone in NoxtianTown are nice." That's only so because it is everyone's dream town. It's only made real when you take drugs or anti-depressants. Cheer up.

What if I told you,
There's a place you won't feel down.
A place where there's no frown,
Talking 'bout NoxtianTown!

Arigato kozaimasu,
Everyday here feels like Christmasu-
Yes, hometown of dreams come true.
That's NoxtianTown for you.

NTUC Fairprice

Every Singaporeans' favourite place to shop is at NTUC: The widely-acclaimed National Toilet Urination Center, otherwise known as your local supermarket, defended by the militia of Karens, prepared to coup the store in the event that the prices of Hanoi cabbages be jacked up to $2.99 again, from the current $2.37. (The prices went down after the Treaty of Counter Two, which was the resulting compromise to put a ceasefire to the 53421st NTUC-Karen battle, fought from the eve of Chinese New Year to just after midnight the day after.)

As you attempt to navigate the assimilated colony of the NTUC supermarket, get ready to hold up your palm, rejecting the advances of the aunty who attempts to approach you with samples of new flavours for some Swiss milk no one has heard of. Remember throughout your journey, that for every $30 spent, you get one coupon. Accumulating enough coupons allow you to redeem a fake, knockoff, low-quality frying pan, which can efficiently fry your financial savings.

At the end of your shopping nightmare, get ready to overcome the God-forsaken dilemma of choosing between the self-checkout counter-where you are more than likely to have your counter shut down in the middle of packaging your items, only to be saved by the almighty card in the hands of an NTUC staff-or the cashier counter, where you will be asked if you have a Senior Citizens card (for the elderly, 65 years of age and above) even if you are obviously a teenager (Insult much?)

It is not all fun and games yet, as you will have to treacherously navigate yourself around the old uncle standing in front of the supermarket with the latest issue of Lianhe Zaobao (a local Chinese newspaper).

As you find yourself relieved at the end of such a frightful day, you find yourself having instinctively, yet very precariously tip-toed to avoid all the dirt on the floor. Thank God it is over. You look back at the sign that says, 'NTUC Fairprice,' and you hear yourself muttering, 'Well played. Well played.'

Gangpang

Similar to the word 'Gangbang,' a Gangpang is a situation where two or more lovers make love by forcing out their excrements from last night's dinner of $5.46 hong kong kailan. Very intimate. And very disgusting.

"Let's gangpang to celebrate your birthday."
"Yay! I love-"
*poot poot*

NTUC

Ah, yes: The National Toilet Urination Center. Singapore’s centralised and most prized possession, a supermarket.

Follow the adventures of an aunty who attempts—in a fired-up debate so hot you can cook steak until it’s medium rare—to lower the prices of cabbages from Hanoi from $2.99 to $2.37, as well as navigating around an old uncle blocking the stall with the latest issue of every middle aged aunty’s favourite newspaper, the Chinese Lianhe Zaobao!

Don’t miss an all new heated complaining session of a parade of newlywed 31 year old men bombarding the counter 5 cashier with questions like, “Why does $30 spent equal to 1 voucher,” and, “What if I spend $29.95,” and, “Does GST count,” and best of all: “THE SELF-PAYMENT COUNTER BROKE AGAIN!”

“Let’s go to NTUC!”
“Huat Ah!”