General Studies

A subject forced upon sixth formers in the UK, just when they think they have a bit of freedom on the subjects they can choose after compulsory education.

This particular A level subject can be thought as being 'Dinner party conversation Studies', and you'd be spending your time more wisely if you were designing and producing a machine that automatically kicks the back of your seat.

There is no chance of escaping general studies in the first year of sixth form, as Mr Wilson insists that it is his 'passion'. However, Universities have no regard for Mr Wilson's 'passion', and they will not consider a General Studies grade to make you any more acceptable.

Possibly the only advantage to General Studies is that the exam provides some valuable time to catch up on some sleep. I took a nap in my exam and left the exam hall feeling refreshed and ready to continue my day. I got a U, but this is a minor drawback.

David: Aww piss, I really needed to finish that Physics homework before next lesson, but I have General Studies. What do you propose I do?

Miles: Well I've got fire on the brain, so I guess you could do a bit of burning fuel in the classroom, in the hope that it will raze the building?

David: A little extreme, but as I brought seven litres of kerosene in today, it'd be shame to waste it.

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I'll get my coat

A line used by someone to make a quick getaway from a stale and awkward moment caused by this particular person. It is a voluntary assertion, to express the person's desire to leave the current location in which they may have just touched on a derogatory subject and it hasn't gone down well.

Miles: Hey David, nice of you to join me and my sophisticated upper class friends at this somewhat formal gathering here; what've you been doing this week then?

David: Well y'know... the usual; rapin' some peeps -

- I'll get my coat.

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Arse-hole Licence

If you are a known trouble maker and are regularly mean to people, you can obtain one of these so people can keep track of your unpleasant antics.
This was conceived when it became apparent that Ben Waller was too unpleasant to people, and it was deemed necessary to keep a tab on his bad behaviour by giving him 'Arse-hole points' every time he committed to being mean.
It is possible to remove points from your licence if you do kind and selfless acts, however, just like obesity, it's easier to gain that it is to lose.
Also similar to this is the 'Bitch licence', which works on the same principle but is given to females that deserve it.

Katie: Ben, you've been really mean today, I think you've been quite nasty to me!

Ben: Your face is nasty!

David: Ben, that's another point on your Arse-hole licence. That's four points you've got in the last 20 minutes bringing you to a grand total of nine.

Ben: Awww what?!

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COL

Similar in context as the internet abbreviation 'lol', but this time standing for 'Clap Out Loud'. This is the act of clapping hysterically while laughing.

Miles: Why did the chicken cross the road?

David: Oh Jesus not another chicken joke.

Miles: It didn't, it stayed in the farm!

David: COL. :D

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Thrower

The word 'Thrower' is a noun used to describe a petty atrocity that quickly and efficiently renders the perpetrator incredibly unpopular.
This definition originates from FCC (Faringdon Community College) and is coined from the controversial acts of Mr Thrower, the head of sixth form.
A good example of a 'Thrower' is to lock the whole of sixth form out of the common room for the morning, and then confiscate their football when they actually find something to do. This will make you very unpopular apace.

Ben: Argh, John pulled such a Thrower yesterday; he kicked our football over the fence and sold my best friend to a Liberian warlord.

David: Yeah loads of people know about that, he's gonna make himself pretty unpopular now.

Miles: Yeah what a cesspool.

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The Suttonator

A machine, patented by The English Department Ltd, and designed purely to be possibly the most anti-social and hated contraption ever created.
It contains 8 million anal transistors and just under 6 million bitch capacitors.
The quirky designers implemented a function in the machine to make it teach English, and with that constantly brag about the degree it got at Oxford University; however they did not program it to mention that it was Oxford Brookes.
The Suttonator has many pre-programmed voice commands and jingles; predominantly 'stop masticating', 'spit or swallow please' and the term 'Spankage'. Everything else it emits from its 380 Watt mouth is just indistinguishable shouting and screaming.
The machine is designed to hate and be spiteful to everyone it encounters, but a small bug in the software makes it particularly fond of just a few students it teaches. It favours them above the rest of the class and showers them with praise and prizes. We still do not know today how this behaviour is formed, but it is suspected it has something to do with good behaviour in class.
The design of The Suttonator is far from original. It is clearly closely inspired and almost an exact pastiche of Miss Sutton, the English Teacher. The only difference being that the machine cannot lactate; although there is no evidence that the human can either.
Like 'Miss Sutton', The Suttonator has weaknesses: It hates to be humiliated in front of an audience and particularly dislikes people who are irritatingly cheerful.
If you are subject of this, then you may be asked to 'stay behind after class'; a cheap but effective ploy in eliminating the perpetrator.
No machine is without disadvantages, and The Suttonator has a severe problem with agility. Due to it's obscene weight and wide-birth extremities, it's top speed is 0.36 km/h, and has trouble fitting through doorways that it immediately claims have shrunk.
Always dressed in a green coat, this machine closely resembles a concorde pear, with it's very wide hips, narrowing towards towards the head.

The Suttonator: I didn't spend 3 years at Oxford University to deal with badly behaved children! I've got my degree, I've done my GCSEs; I don't give a monkeys about you lot!

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Mentagrade

Mentagrade is the measurement of how mental something is.
In this context the word mental is synonymous with words such as 'extreme', 'insane' and 'off the hook'.
The unit of Mentagrade is simply expressed as M. Not to be confused with Moles, in Chemistry.

Something's absolute magnitude in Mentagrade is difficult to calculate, and especially when something particularly mental is happening, it is unlikely you have the right apparatus to hand; so the value of said phenomenon in Mentagrade is usually an intelligent estimate.
Mentagrade is a metric measurement, but the concept of zero is not so simple. 'Room temperature' is considered to be around 2.1M, to two significant figures; this value is calculated by obtaining a weighted average of different locations' mental magnitude; (considering anything particularly mental an anomaly and not including it in the average).
To understand the concept of zero M, we need to consider the idea of Mentagrade being dynamic; so we think of it as change in Mentagrade - or ΔM - In effect, we measure how much the Mentagrade has gone up/down by as a consequence of something happening.
If something extremely boring happens, then the value of ΔM is going to be negative. We need the concept of zero because if we are taking a non-dynamic snapshot of something's mental magnitude, we measure ΔM from zero, so we do not need to express it as ΔM, but rather as just M, as it does not have any concept of time - if we are measuring ΔM at a point, then we measure it from 'room temperature' (2M).

The scale of Mentagrade is continuous and infinite, but something has to be really significantly mental to score above 10M.

Examples of Mentagrade measurements:

Shouting out at least twelve synonyms of the word 'sex' in physics: 7.3M

Kicking a pigeon: 6.2M

In a football game, the losing team's fans from the start of the game to the end: ΔM=6.9M

Planning and discussing on burning Mr Thrower: 7M.

Actually burning Mr Thrower: 26.4M.

Getting half the world's population to change their shoelaces on Valentines day: 86M.

Miles: Woah, did you know that yesterday, en masse, the UK made 436123 tonnes of batter for pancake day?

David: Wowie! that fact has got to score at least 9.8M.

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