lazy-itis-otis

A medical condition in which certain breeds of Canis familiaris (dogs) exhibit behavioral tendencies often associated with heavy inanimate objects stored in sacks. Common symptoms are lying down at the dog park instead of playing with other dogs, lying down during a walk, and/or lying down during a burglary.

There are no known cures.

A: How was your walk with Jerry (basset hound)?
B: Not so great, I had to drag him most of the way.
A: Wow, sounds like Jerry might have lazy-itis-otis. You should really be feeding him a vegan diet.
B: Shut up, Karen.

Hovia

A deep-set, intense fear that in the rare occasion that you ever meet Jay-Z, he doesn’t like you.

I had a crazy dream where I was stopped in traffic at a tunnel where Beyoncé was filming a music video. After realizing what was happening and it would be quite a while until traffic resumed, I got out of my car to walk around. Around the corner I found Jay-Z sitting at a table eating and drinking waiting on Beyoncé to finish the shoot. I started chatting him up and thought I’d try to impress him with a funny line using one of his song lyrics, so I simply said, “girl why you never ready? For as long as you took you better look like Halle Berry. Or Beyoncéeeeeee.”

Jay-Z looked at me with a very disapproving look. He was not impressed.

I think I may suffer from “Hovia.”

halfbortion

When a woman discovers she’s having twins and decides to abort one because she’s not ready for two children.

My doctor told me I’m having identical twins, so I sprang for the halfbortion cause one’s going to be evil. I hope I picked right.