Meditasturbation

A form of meditation, typically performed by men, whereby - with the best of intentions - they go to a quiet room in their home, close the door with their iphone and AirPods. This attempt at maximizing “alone time” often results in men becoming bored of meditation turning instead to masturbation.

When done in a zen-like environment and with a relaxed mindset, this becomes a variant of guided meditation, which often leaves the Meditasturbater feeling rejuvenated and ready to start his day with a total time investment typically being not more than 3 minutes.

Friend: Have you ever tried Meditasturbation?

Stole: all the time. In fact, I got busted Meditasturbating again in my kid’s room yesterday.

Stole Camp

A fastidiotic idea dreamed up by well-to-do white women with too much time on their hand to fix the thing they find annoying about their husband or male partner.

Stole Camp was created by women most easily visualized as Wine Mom. Whether initially well-intentioned or not, Stole Camp is, at best, completely without merit, and almost certain to be counterproductive in addressing the issues that supposedly exist.

The logic stream behind Stole Camp matches that of parents in the 1970’s, worried by their son exhibiting gay tendencies, choosing to send their kid to spend more time at church, being mentored by the Priest within the confines of the rectory.

Wife One: My husband is so annoying.

Wife Two: Mine too! In fact, I’m sending him to a two-week intensive Stole Camp in Las Vegas to work on all his issues under the measured guidance of Stolevrusny. I’m confident he will come back all fixed.

Wife One: Wow, that sounds genius.

Fastidiot

Noun

One who is - at the same time - fastidious and idiotic. A Fastidiot will demonstrate a meticulous, sensitive, or even demanding attitude, paying great attention to even the most minute details, while concurrently displaying the idiotic tendencies of a person with a remarkably low intellect and with a poor (even horrendous) capacity for decision-making. Fastidiotic behavior is often demonstrated by individuals exhibiting signs of Stolevrusny.

My buddy Stole is the biggest Fastidiot on the planet. He is a highly-successful professional, he eats healthy and stays super-fit. His car, home and office are all meticulously clean and people joke that he lives an almost monastic existence. And then, every f-ing weekend the guy takes some insane off-ramp straight into the abyss, making decisions as if he is a homeless guy living on the street with no consequences for his actions.

Stolebudsman

The singular member of a Stolevrusny clan who is selected for the unenviable task of remaining sober (or at least reasonably so) for a given evening to observe the night’s progression, digression(s) and devolution of group members’ coherence and self-respect.

The role of Stolebudsman traces it roots back to that of Ombudsman, while also incorporating elements of the sometimes overlapping roles of Designated Driver and Babysitter. While the current application of the role of Stolebudsman retains the practical responsibilities of ensuring safety of fellow members, the more significant elements of the position are monitoring the cognitive and logical arc of the thoughts and comments emanating from the brains and mouths of the Stole(s) being observed, and replaying and debating them in future meetings.

Providing the transportation safety elements of serving as a Stolebudsman is generally perceived as being slightly rewarding, however, serving in the position for more than a very abbreviated period is believed to leave the designated individual both scared and scarred with symptoms akin to a mild variant of PTSD. Fortunately, legacy Stolebudsmen have developed a treatment regimen with 100% efficacy which simply entails rejoining the Stolevrusny clan as a fully-participating member. This therapy allows ex-Stolbudsman to observe and participate in the group’s dialogue and behavior without triggering the anxiety and concerns that would have resulted if he were sober.

Example: BigStole was my Stolebudsman last night and I’m embarrassed at all of the gibberish that must have come out of my mouth. Fortunately, I’m aware that he is seeking intensive treatment later this evening and all of my embarrassment and shame will melt away as he enters the room with a spirited Crotch Chop.

Stolevrusny

A description of once-great athletes that have devolved into a shell of their formal selves, imbibing in self-harm and substance abuse, leading them to make other lifestyle decisions and speaking gibberish that causes even their formerly-biggest fans to disregard their influence completely.

My buddy “Boy, Jim McMahon has really gone off the rails, huh?”

Me: “Yeah, just another awful Stolevrusny story”