it happened to a friend of mine

The phrase that people use when saying a ridiculously embarrassing story about something that happened to to them. To save themselves from total humiliation they say "it happened to a friend of mine".

George: God, I am so embarrassed, I can't believe Stacy found out I was cheating with her.

Bill: Don't worry, at least you didn't cheat on her with what you thought was her sister but turned out to be her fat brother.

George: huh?

Bill: It happened to a friend of mine...

Drug Dealer's Phone

A mobile phone often used by drug dealers because it is cheap, easy to replace and it doesn't attract unnecessary attention to the owner.

Phones such as the Nokia bricks, Samsungs and Alcatel are all regularly used by drug dealers.

Ben gets his nokia 3310 out and sends a text. Andy approaches him.

Andy: Can I get a quarter ounce?
Ben: A quarter ounce What?
Andy: Some weed

Ben: I don't sell drugs.

Andy: But your phone.

Ben: What about it?
Andy: It's a drug dealer's phone.

Ben: What!
Andy: Yeah, only drug dealers use old crappy phones.

Ben: Screw you it's retro!
Andy: Listen man can I please get high.

Ben: I'm not a drug dealer!
Andy: Okay. Do you know anybody?
Ben: Yeah I know a guy.

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It won't happen again

The phrase that people say to their boss when they know that they have fucked up and their boss has yelled at them at them. This is the acceptable response apart from "sorry" that should be used when apologising to a boss. The harshness of the reason can vary from being late to shredding a court case report. The result is always the same, the accused, embarrassed and flustered, the boss, pissed off, saying "it better not" and the rest of the workers staring at the accused.

Boss: Hey Gary, have you seen the Johnson Parking ticket case? It was on my desk.

Gary: Was it on the same corner that is the shred pile?

Boss: Yes, have you seen it?

Gary: I kind of shredded it...

Boss: YOU DID WHAT???

Gary: But it was on the shred pile

Boss: ALWAYS ASK ME WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO SHRED SOMETHING. NOW GO INTO THE SHREDDER AND PICK OUT ALL THE PAPER FROM THE FILE AND STICK IT BACK TOGETHER!!!

Gary: Sorry Mr Stevens. It won't happen again.

Boss: It better not.

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Snorting Office

The location where cocaine is made. In other words, a crack house/meth lab. Usually inhabited by rough looking men in lab coats and mouth covers, using razors to cut up cocaine, then weighing it and putting it into bags. Also in the Snorting Office there are guns of many calibre's and a dodgy looking chap who puts the bags of weighed coke in his pocket or shoe or wallet and then goes out and sells the drugs.

Dave: Did you get the stuff???

Greg: Hells yeah, its real fresh too.

Dave: How fresh??

Greg: Literally fresh out the Snorting Office.

Dave: Sweet.

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Squit Stop

When you need to stop at a service station or supermarket whilst on the motorway due to an unfortunate case of the shits. It seemed like a good when you decided to have Indian food for dinner last night, but now you have to deal with the squity consequences. When needing a Squit Stop you will unfortunately have to stop at every opportunity to cleanse your bowels. If you do end up with the Squits and are heading on a long journey then it is recommended that you bring multiple pairs of underwear due to the shittyness of the situation.

Chuck: Man, thats the third gas station we've stopped at, are you okay?

Hank: Not good man, I'm sorry but I keep needing to take squit stops. I will always love Del Taco but Del Taco will never love me.

Chuck: Have you get extra pants?

Hank: No, I am gonna have to resort to a Shart Tampon

Chuck: That's grim

Corrupt Politician

A politician who doesn't play by the books, works with organised crime and steals tax money. The sort of people who are bringing a bad name to governments all over the world. Conspiracy theories link them with the illuminati but it's not a proven fact. To become a Corrupt Politician, a politician must have a criminal record and be found out to be doing illegal activities such as doing drugs, assault and other violent crimes or to be known to work with crime syndicates such as the mafia.

*Senator addressing crowd*
Senator: And as your local Senator I will do the things that need to be done

Crowd: *Cheers*

Senator: I'll make the borough more environmentally friendly by turning off the power at the orphanages, what will they do? Tell their parents? muhahahahaha

Tim: I think we need to vote for someone else

Walter: Yeah, this dude sounds like a corrupt politician

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Kurt Cobain's Microphone

A shotgun.

*Mike and Sarah are awoken by a noise in the middle of the night*

Sarah (Whispering): I think there's an intruder in the house

Mike (Whispering): Get me Kurt Cobain's Microphone and I'll give this noisy bastard something to sing about.

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