what's today's date

Today is today

Jeff: Hey what's today's date??
Juan Julio Hernandez Estabon Ricardo El Chappo lll: today is today.

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Today years old

A thing millennials say to intentionally sound like they have damage in their Broca’s area

I was today years old when I learned this *left side of their face starts drooping*

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I'm smart today

A phrase used by people when they say something stupid. Usually as a sarcastic excuse.

Caleb: "I'm sorry what was your name again?"
Jen: "I've just told you I'm Jen"
Caleb: "I'm Smart today"

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Today's substitute teacher

A hoe. Just a hoe, nothing more, nevermore.

Today's substitute teacher is a bad one.

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much better today

what you say to yourself and your loved ones after one night of horrible, shiveringly fitty, delusional anxiety triggered by current global developments.

I am much better today. I am much better today. I am ..

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Today you, tomorrow me

From the spanish "hoy por tí, mañana por yo", it is used to "justify"acts of kindness toward strangers.

Thanks for helping me with my flat tire. Please accept this $50 as a token of my gratitude.
No need. Today you, tomorrow me

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did you pray today

a meme created by @justjoofficial where he makes percussion with his balls

"Did you pray today?"

"John you've been saying this all week stfu"

"Did you pray today? I could dick you down on some gangster shit"

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