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A contract lesbian is a celebrity, such as a musician or actress, who must act and date as if she is a lesbian for publicity. They are also usually not allowed to date men until their contract is up, to keep it from being found out that they're not really lesbian.
Lydia: Each girl in T.A.T.U. is a contract lesbian.
Brandon: What the hell is a contract lesbian?
Lydia: You know, they acted like lesbians 'cause it said they had to in their contract, just so "All The Things She Said" would get airplay.
Tony: So they're not really lesbians, but rather they just get paid to act like they are in public?
Lydia: Exactly.
Daniel: Damn.
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When you have a large dump coming on, and the stomach pains come in and out. The intervals in time get closer and closer until you can't stand it anymore and you must drop a load.
I thought I was going to shit my pants, but it must have just been a colon contraction. Regardless, I should probably find a bathroom soon, before another one comes on.
A contract written to protect people from falling into the bottomless hole of simpery. The contract includes ten injunctions. These are as such:
I. Thou shalt not spend money on the object of simpery.
II. Thou shalt not ship the object of simpery with thine self.
III. Thou shalt not lay thine eyes on fanfictions or shippy fanart.
IV. Thou shalt not browse pictures of the object of simpery for more than ten minutes a day.
V. Thou shalt not watch more than thirty minutes of videos of the object of simpery a day.
VI. Thou shalt not gush about the object of simping on thy social media.
VII. Thou shalt not show any emotion towards the object of simping.
VIII. Thou shalt not say cheesy, cringey, corny, or crusty things about the members.
IX. Thou shalt not have more than ten pictures of the object of simpery at a time. Thou shalt also not have a single shirtless or sexy picture of them.
X. Thou shalt not become an egg--smooth-brained, hairless, and lacking of common sense.
Each injunction comes with a respective punishment.
Mike: "Dude, I signed the simp contract yesterday and I've never felt so protected in my life! It's like a form of insurance so I won't fall into the shame of simping ever again."
Jimmy: "It's too late for me, man. I already broke three of the rules and now I'm going to get punished for being a simp."
Promises of emotional or sexual character made by unmistakeable eye contact only. The lack of spoken words often leads to misinterpretations with two very different conclusions by the two sexes. Probably with less confusion between same-sexed people.
In the stereotypical scenario, a man and a woman catch each other's eyes at a party. He concludes that she's committing to some serious monkey business and searches his wallet for a condom. She on the other hand feels very special and pretty and hopes to be asked out on a date. By the end of the evening at least one of them will be breaking their eye contract.
This is a cold weather problem. Everything contracts when it gets cold, including the bladder.
Ever notice that the urge to take a piss dramatically increases when you step out into the cold?
Yeah, I better take a piss before I go leave, it's cold as hell outside, I don't want to have bladder contraction issues.
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A legally binding agreement that states that two sexual partners did INDEED have consensual sex. Both parties sign this contract and can be held liable if said contract is violated.
Kobe should've had that girl sign a love contract.
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when an intense shit attack overwhelms you to the point where you'll shit in the river and wipe your ass with a rock.
after eating two dozen hot wings and jalapeno poppers, I had ass contractions like there was fire in my ass.
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