Hurrycane

The rushing mass of old people on their way to the Early Bird Dinner special at Applebee's. The wreckage left in their wake is approximately the same to that of a hurricane.

Police Officer: What happened here? A hurricane?
Specialist: Even worse... a hurrycane.
Police Officer: So..many....casualties....

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hurrycane

n. Walking stick, usually lightweight silicon with ergonomic design, used by fitness enthusiasts when hiking mountain trails, racing through crowded streets etc.

..............

Why the eye patch? Trying to look like a pirate?

No! Wait, is that a thing? Actually I was impaled by a doofus with a hurrycane.