I-Tach

A rhythm found in emergency departments, predominantly in the western and southwestern United States. "Tach" is slang for the prefix "tachy-", which means "abnormally rapid".

CONTEXT: Where V-Tach (ventricular tachycardia - an "an abnormally fast heart rate orginating from the bottom of the heart") is a lethal heart rhythm, I-Tach is not lethal... just annoying.

INCIDENCE: I-Tach is most common among elderly Hispanic females -- with a hangnail, a rash, painful urination, or some other dire "emergency" -- with 370 relatives surrounding the gurney upon which she lay.

USES: It is used both to gain familial sympathy and to coerce the medical staff to leave the bedside of heart attack, gunshot wound, or similarly trivial patients, and promptly attend to her "emergency" instead.

Abuelita comes in at 3 a.m. with an emergency rash on her ass she's had for three weeks. She lies quietly behind her curtain for forty minutes without uttering a sound... then family shows up. And more family. And more. Suddenly, abuelita begins...

"Ayyyye... Ayyyye... AyyYai..... ¡Ayuda mi, Dios!... AyeAyeAyeAyeAyeAyeAyeAye. Yaiyaiyai..YaiYaiYaiYaiYai.. Ayyyyyyee!"

Witnessing this, you yell out mockingly...

Tony... Dr. Kootersplat... Call a code and get the rash cart to Med-2 STAT... better get a splinter-removal tech down here, too... the lady just went into I-Tach.

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