pitchforked

When you're invited to a friend's house for under false pretenses of "tea and jam", but when you get there, you're friend starts breaking out the porn, proceeding to get their "freak on", and encouraging you to do the same.

Ingrid: How'd lunch go at Sam's.
Ella: I was pitchforked. I don't want to talk about it.

6👍 7👎

Pitchfork

Christians have the Bible.
Jews have the Torah.
Muslims have the Koran.

Hipsters who are between the ages of 20-30 and claim to live in Williamsburg (but who really still live with their mom in Queens) have Pitchfork Media.

Normal guy: Hey, let's go try that restaurant in Tribeca.
Hipster: I only want to go if it received an 8.0 or higher on Pitchfork.

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pitchfork

Also known as Pitchfork Media. A pretentious, elitist, hype-mongering, trend-obsessed piece of shit website that specializes in "independent music".

Known for giving gushing reviews to anything that sounds remotely obscure. Even if the music itself actually sucks. No, wait, ESPECIALLY if the music itself actually sucks.

Too bad it only exists in online format or else I'd wipe my ass with their sorry excuses for reviews.

Also, all too appropriately, every hipster's holy grail.

HIPSTER: Hey did you see Pitchfork's review of the new animal collective? It got a 9.6, so it's obviously one of the quintessential albums of the decade.

MUSIC FAN: I think I'd rather listen to Tool's "Lateralus"

HIPSTER: Psshh, lame!! pitchfork only gave that album a 1.9. Tool obviously sucks to anyone with taste in music

MUSIC FAN: Riight. But you obviously have amazing taste since you base your opinions entirely off of Pitchfork's numerical rating system. Way to go douche bag.

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pitchfork

a device used to anal-probe self-righteous pricks who pretend they created all of the bands they listen to and have never considered another's opinion on anything.

Get off your defensive high horse, fan boy; I will pitchfork ya!

191👍 96👎

Pitchforking

A threesome with all Dudes.

Mike: "Yo I had a threesome last night"
John: "Was it a love sandwich or a devils threeway?"
Mike: "Neither, I was pitchforking"

12👍 5👎

Pitchfork

What I'm going to drive through the head of the creator of a website for shitty indie music.

I bought the new Metallica CD, good thing I don't base my life around someone elses opinions.

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Pitchforking

The male version of scissoring.

Two men wrap legs with boners to start pitchforking, whoever gets a penis in their butthole got pitchforked.

12👍 6👎